By Naisha Roy

“There is a lot of shame around anger. And, if we don’t acknowledge it and allow ourselves to be vulnerable to admit that we want to work on it, there is no room to change.” Today’s woman dreamer, Dr. Arpita Gupta DePalma helps successful women manage their anger and get in tune with their emotions, allowing them to thrive in the high-stress environments they work in. After the pandemic put the jobs of physicians like her at risk, she benefited from mindfulness coaching herself — and started her own company, Thought Work, MD. Dr. DePalma talked to Women Who Win about the importance of managing self-doubt and anger in productive and healthy ways.

1. As someone who helps successful women practice mindfulness, what do you notice are some of the most common causes of these emotions? Are there factors in the workplace or at home that have repeatedly been shown to cause feelings of self-doubt and anger?

The answer is simple here, but unfortunately the majority of us don’t recognize and realize what it is.

Our thoughts are the number one cause of all of our emotions. We as humans tend to believe that things that happen to us in our lives make us feel the way we do. In actuality, it is how we are choosing to think about those circumstances that drives the emotions we have. The optimal word here is CHOOSING. We have a choice on how we want to think about all of the things that happen to us each day.

Oftentimes, our brains have become accustomed to automatically think a certain way because of all that we have been exposed to via our families, media, schooling, etc. These thoughts and beliefs may have made sense or served us well at some prior time, but they may no longer be pertinent or useful for us today. These thought patterns become habitual, routine, familiar, to the point that we do not even recognize that we are having them. They become an undercurrent in our day to day lives, impacting our moods and how we take actions each day. To begin to make a change, we have to be intentional and build awareness around how we are choosing to think about things, and then determine if how we are thinking is ultimately serving us. If not, we are in power to shift by considering other perspectives around how we want to think about the circumstances we encounter in our lives.

2. You said your journey with mindfulness coaching began after COVID 19 affected many physicians' job security. How did your experience with those emotions inspire your decision to start Thought Work MD, and what obstacles did you face in founding your own company?

I started Thought Work, MD in February 2021 after I was fortunate enough to benefit from the power of mindset coaching myself. There was no way I was going to keep this amazing secret from others, and with the state of healthcare and the struggles my physician colleagues were facing, I knew I wanted to do my part in sharing these gifts with them. Specifically, I wanted to improve the way I was showing up for others in my life- back then that looked like being angry and reactionary most days. I felt embarrassed after these outbursts but still was not able to hold back when something set me off or activated me, and I wanted to make a change. So, I began to focus on how to control my anger reactions, focused on building my awareness on when and why I would be set off, and then work towards putting steps in place to help me take back my control. It wasn’t easy. And, I still have setbacks that I use as opportunities for growth for myself, and to teach to my clients. What I recognized was that anger had become comfortable and automatic. Even though I did not like the way I was showing up, I knew how it would play out and was predictable. And it felt better than feeling the urgency, shame or disappointment… my most common underlying feelings that I was trying to avoid when I became angry.

No one wants to admit that they show up angry at times. I had one client tell me her voice sounded almost demonic when she yelled at her husband, and it embarrassed her scared her later. Doing this work is uncomfortable, but the staying in the comfort of doing what has become automatic (our anger reactions) doesn’t allow for us to evolve into our best selves.

3. Do you have any stories of women that you've worked with that you find inspiring, or whom you've learned something from during your journey with them?

I would say every coach and client I have worked with has a inspiring story, a liberating perspective on life, and has offered some unique insight that I have learned from. We each have our own individual gifts that make us who we are, and we each are able to help others in our own unique way. The beauty is in realizing this and not allowing yourself to be held back out of fear of the stigma around asking for help and out of fear of what other people will think. You do you with intentional living.

After completing my coach certification with The Life Coach School in 2021, I went on to become certified as a Trauma Informed Professional Coach (TIPC) with Lodestar, and then earn my certification as an Advanced Deep Dive Coach with Bev Aron in 2023.

I found coaching others was effortless for me. It brings me so much joy to be able to share these tools and perspectives with other women so that they can begin to uplevel their lives. It was natural to use my own past experiences and habits and incentive to help other women suffering with similar maladaptive patterns and behaviors.

This is why I decided to shift my career. I want to help powerful women learn how to stay ahead of their anger so that they show up calm, collected and in control, ready to lead and execute with poise. I created both one to one and group coaching programs, so I could offer clients the unique tools they need to optimize how they show up each day in order to accomplish more, while being happier doing so. And although I really enjoy helping women who struggle with anger, I also enjoy helping clients with time management, perfectionism and self-worth issues, parenting and cultural disparities, business development, and any other area they want to up-level in their lives. I want to reach as many people as possible with these tools, so I started a podcast with my co-host, Doctors Living Deliberately, so I can share nuggets of wisdom with my audience, reminding them to live intentionally while remembering their “Why”.

As women, we work hard. We juggle multiple hats. We are tired, yet we delay our own self-care and celebrations in the interest of others, ultimately at our own expense. It’s time that we change our priorities and advocate for self care, without feeling as though it is selfish for us to do so. I want to help empower women to become exceptional, and they can do this by putting themselves first and refilling their reservoirs.

4. What are your top tips to women on living their lives with intention?

• Live intentionally for both the good and bad days. Enjoy the journey along the way. Life will always be 50/50 the entire way, even after you reach your goal. So, learn to savor the ride.

• Surround yourself with like-minded individuals who can be straight up with you, be willing to give you honest and authentic feedback, and who always have your back.

• Be honest, authentic, and know that it is OK to simply say "No" if it's not in alignment with your 'WHY', without the need for further explanation. You do you.

5 . How did you begin to train yourself to be able to provide mindfulness coaching to others? Was it difficult taking experiences and emotions you've felt and translating them into solutions that could be applied to other women? How did you deal with and what are some of the biggest tips you have for women who may be struggling with anger, self-doubt, lack of balance, and similar issues?

When I started our private medical practice in 2011 in addition to working part time as a pediatrician, I had this belief that everything that I created had to be perfect because it was reflective of me and would impact my/our reputation. That led to me working crazy hours every week, never trusting other people’s work product, and always believing I was the only one who could get things done properly the first time. I realized gradually with mindset coaching that I was creating these false beliefs for myself, and it ultimately led to me becoming more and more inefficient. No matter how hard I worked or how much I tried, I was never satisfied with my results and nothing was ever good enough. So, I just kept working to try to make things better, because the bar I had set for myself was simply unrealistic. I wasn’t allowing myself to see that.

With mindset coaching, I recognized that my worth was not tied to the products and results I was creating, and that I was already 100% worthy and valuable just as I was, for being who I was being, mistakes and all. It didn’t matter what I was doing for my career, it didn’t matter what other people thought about me, it didn’t matter how much I had to show for my “success”. What mattered was my belief in myself that I was invaluable as I showed up, perfectly imperfect, even on the bad days. Crossing off the TO DO list items each day to finally allow for rest, which came only after it was past my bedtime, really was an urgency that I was creating in my own mind. I slowly recognized that I had to let things go. What mattered was me loving myself first, taking care of myself first, and allowing the crappy days to just be crappy without having to fix everything, because I am human.

What motivates me to keep doing this effortless work? The ability to help even one person with recognizing that they are ultimately in control of what they think, how they feel, and what they want to create for themselves in their life.

I am lucky to have the opportunity of practicing the art of healing others, but maybe now it may just be in a different way.

Thank you Arpita for sharing your story with us! We are excited to have you in our global women’s network!

Bio: Arpita Gupta DePalma, MD, TIPC founded Thought Work, MD to help physicians and professional women learn  how to identify, manage, and then let go of what is not serving them through transformational mindset  coaching. In addition to being the CEO and founder of Thought Work, MD, she is a pediatrician, a medical  practice owner and DOO of Virginia iSpine Physicians. After completing her coach certification with The Life  Coach School in 2021, she went on to become certified as a Trauma Informed Professional Coach (TIPC) with  Lodestar, and then earned her certification as an Advanced Deep Dive Coach with Bev Aron in 2023. Arpita specializes in helping clients with anger management, time management, perfectionism and self worth issues, parenting and cultural disparities, business development, and any other area they want to  up-level in their lives. In her one to one and group coaching programs, she provides clients the unique tools  they need to optimize how they show up each day in order to accomplish more, while being happier doing  so. She shares nuggets of wisdom with her audience on her podcast, Doctors Living Deliberately, where she  shares tools to help physicians live intentionally while remembering their “Why”.  Arpita’s passion is helping powerful women learn how to stay ahead of their anger so that they show up  calm, collected and in control, ready to lead and execute with poise.